Change.

Times change, people change. I've changed, you've changed, we've all changed. You're different from the person I met a year and a half ago. All of you, and so am I. It's just so hard sometimes. So I'd rather lock myself up and watch from a distance. Sigh, "Love photographs because they never change, even if the people in them do" I stumbled upon some of those photos earlier, memories sweep past my brain. Fuck.

Evidently, I got caught cheating in my History 2 paper. And along with being caught, I pulled my friend into the dark icy waters too :'( GUILTY DIE PLEASE. :( and she was crying all day long :'( KY FORGIVE ME :'( IM SORRYYYY

BoyxBoy Romances

Barely a week in and I'm already gasping for air. FTCHSTWPTP (Fuck the CHS teachers who prepare the papers) a term me and sista coined because CHS really sets the bar high with a flurry of hardcore exam papers on after another. I guess I'm failing my add maths again this term, huh?

Anyway, instead of studying, I've been reading on Wattpad like its my job and there's no more tomorrow. Gay romances for the win.

Some of the great ones:
1. I Like Your Batman Underwear
2. I Love You, Stupid
3. Loving My Best Friend
4. Fighting Against A Heart
5. Picture Perfect
6. Step Brothers
7. There's A Jock In My Bed
8. High School Scandal
9. I Tempted Him With A Kiss
10. The New Boy
11. He's Got A Love Like Woe

Yeah, these are the good ones, not to say the others aren't. But when I read these I feel like crying because they're so emotional. Romantic or sad, or both. BAWL MY FUCKING EYES OUT. Oh and the steamy sex scenes. #megusta.

Hahaha. Okay, tomorrow biology paper and Chinese paper. One I like, one I don't like as much. Chinese paper 2 is okay I guess.

:(

I feel so lonely.

Hell.

First of 13 days of hell. Okay maybe not hell. Exams aren't everything. Not to me they aren't. While people are studying their brains off, I'm taking my time. Nonchalant arrogant prick you say? Well I don't give a rat's ass about you either.

My brain cannot memorize stuff. It just can't. I remember what sticks and that's that. My short term memory can last for a maximum of like two days. Screwed.

Oh well, looking very forward to my post-exam destress session with my mates. :) I think we should make it like a tradition to go out after every exam.

When do I tell them? When is the right time? Someone help me..

Messed Up

I'm so messed up. Someone take me away from this infernal world to somewhere better. :(

Mid.

So, the mid-term exams are right around the corner, and by right around, I mean in three days. Hurray! Pfft, I am totally unprepared, and look at what I'm doing, three days to the exam and I'm still on the computer. God I'm pathetic. But I can't see to focus on my studies recently, not that I actually have in the past, but still.

What I AM looking forward to is the school break after the two and a half week of torture. Shit dude, I'm totally going to flunk. No, I can't let this go on. Tomorrow I shall start something. AT LEAST, I will revise a little. The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. Yeah baby!

So anyway, I've been outstation yesterday and this morning, in Mentakab where mom teaches line dance. And much to my surprise, Mentakab has a new mall. And a decent one too, the first one I've seen. With a huge and well-stocked departmental store cum hypermarket, a Popular bookstore, many eateries and even a cinema.

Me and my little bro went to catch the midnight showing of Battleship last night. And I tell you, it was epic. Fantastic movie, with the amazing CGI and sound effects to match. Also, they had a pretty hot cast too. Especially Taylor Kitsch, damn he's fine and has a fucking sexy voice. Also, Alexander Skarsgard. Mmm, hot. Not to mention, RIHANNA! /squeal Rihanna's acting debut, sure she could have done better, but it's Rihanna people! (And the crowd goes wild, okay maybe just me) and Brooklyn Decker too. Meshell says she got some fine ass boobs, so okay. Epic movie with intense action. TAYLOR AND ALEXANDER ARE SO HOT. UNFFF

Okay, ignore that. Wait, don't ignore that. Go check out their awesome hotness. I am so going to ask dad to buy the True Blood series (Alexander is one of the main characters, eeee! How could I have not known this!) AND HOW COULD I NOT KNOW THAT TAYLOR KITSCH IS JOHN CARTER?! Must watch that too! I'm going to go insane again.

Please don't let me have a mental-breakdown/depression episode again during the exam seasons, I mean, during the holidays it would be fine. But not during exam period. Shit, I'm so dead. SO FUCKING DEAD. Oh well, I'm not one to dwell on my own misery, although I actually do sometimes, depends on what it's about. Like two days ago. Although I don't really want to talk about it. Let's just say, arguments are bad for mental health, even if you're just a listener.

Insanity.

RUBEN JORGE YAP JU VEI GET THAT FUCKING BOT OFF. THE DAMN COMPUTER. ITS MESSING UP THE WHOLE THING FOR FUCKS SAKE.

And I'm on the verge of tears while choking on them. What the hell is wrong with me? Yesterday I barely had appetite for dinner, I had to make myself eat do I won't get gastric pains or whatever. And I was so flustered while doing my homework.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN SOON. SOMEONE HELP ME. I CAN FEEL MYSELF SLIPPING.

Well at least I still can think straight now. Today I didn't go to school. I wasn't that sick but I wasn't feeling right. I was ill with something, not a disease. Insanity. And I didn't want anybody to see me so worn out. So, I had to fake my sickness very exaggeratedly. Oh yeah, and I lost my voice. FUCK MY MIND

Hush.

I can't help it to want to talk to people and tell them everything, just because they told me some things or made me feel comfortable with them. Things they probably wouldn't mind but they would kill me to say them. HOW SAD INDEED

Bored.

So bored. Been bored whenever I'm not at school recently. So I've been on Wattpad a lot recently. Wattpad is like this reader/writer community that allows you to share your works and view others. Currently I'm just reading, I've got no time to write a full fledged novel. Maybe one day soon.

I've been reading BoyxBoy romances lately. One, because they're hot. Two, because I'm interested in... never mind. Three, the straight romances are so monotonous. Hot hot hot :3

Okay I'm bored again. Have you see Joe Brooks before? Damn he's cute.

Break.

Okay, back to reality of a non-camp related post. 


Haven't really been in class really, been out a lot. UBK is really busy these few weeks and I took the opportunity to leave class, even during school hours. For a few reasons, really.

1. Edufair is coming up, and there's a lot to be done. So I'm doing work there.
2. The class environment is getting sort of, suckish to me. Going to UBK is like an escape from reality. Yes, I know I should mix around more to have more fun. Well, it's not like I haven't tried. I tried, but I'm just not feeling it at the moment (Gosh, I sound like a PMS-ing bitch being asked by my boyfriend to have sex or something) So, I'm taking a break from my classmates, I do miss them though, in more ways than one.
3. Didn't do homework, so escape the teachers to avoid being screwed. Legit.

I've been really quiet lately in class, other than talking to Rueying or Yin, where I flaunt my bimbosity because frankly I don't care if I'm deemed "gay" or whatever. Come at me bro. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. So, whatever. And other times when I'm in class, I just sit by my lonesome (since KY has abandoned me for what reason I don't know, and honestly at the moment I don't want to know, yet) unless someone comes and sits with me. Even then, it's like I've forgotten how to talk with my peers in class anymore. Really need a break from them. 

After the Edufair this Wednesday, it's full study-mode ON, and up till the end of the exam seasons (5 more weeks), then we shall go out to unwind and have some fun. Something I haven't had with the gang in ages. EPC is no more, and they were the best thing about 2011 to me. But, who am I to say that I want to go back, it just isn't possible. The gang has disbanded, my closest pals in class. Alvin has been really quiet recently, Tek has joined Au Yong in the political 'debate' which I really, really loathe actually. I prefer to be unaffiliated with political happenings. And all of a sudden, Big Bang fever emerges from no where. Annoying the shit out of me So there was this short time that I wasn't talking to Xiang/Tek/KY/the other BigBangers (sounds a little like a porn film, I know), but whatever, I don't regret anything.

Definitely need a break. Oh, and I've been on Twitter recently, you can get to know what I feel of people (although I don't mention names, that's up to you to guess). Follow me at @bryanehstri. Cheers!

PRS Camp 2012: Days 1 & 3

PRS Camp Log 20 April 2012
"Oh my God," I thought to myself, " I'm so looking forward to this!"

School was just dismissed for the weekend, and the day ended well. With Chinese on "Relief" because teacher had to attend some debate competition thing. And we were gathering below the old UBK room, it took ages for registration though since people were quite uncooperative. By the time we got it done, it was way past the originally allocated time for leaving. The Form5s at the back of the bus were really energetic but the juniors were sort of quiet and kept to their groups of two or three, mostly.

We arrived there and settled in, then we went for the Obstacle Course. There I found out that I apparently have more physical prowess than I thought I had, I could climb over a wall almost the same height as me, I think. And could climb a rope grid pretty quickly faltering, despite my slight fear of height, I didn't waiver. And then I had a heart attack when I was scaling the hanging tyre station and I fell off. All of a sudden, I was almost upside down, so I just gave up on climbing back onto the tyre and just jumped down. Yan Hui fell on her ass in one of the stations and everybody huddled to see if she was okay.

Tiring yes, but still great fun. That night, we broke into our groups (actually set by yours truly and Bao Ni) and began out PRS Modules 1 and 2. Like I said, I'll cover the modules in another post. And then at the end before we ended for the night, En Bakri asked us to arrange the chairs on both sides of a small path, and guess what? We had to do weird, funny, awkward poses to get past, and then only we were dismissed. At first, I was a little shy to do it, but seeing as nobody else (especially the juniors) wanted to try it, I just thought 'Oh screw this' And just did some Egyptian dance across the "catwalk", I wanted to do the bimbo paparazzi thing but Pn Nayagi already took it. Oh well, we got to see the wild creative side of many camp-goers then.

En Bakri also came up with this concept of "Homeguard!" (or whatever it was to him, I only heard homeguard) And we're supposed to bend forward with our arm stretched to the front. Homeguard Atas, hand up, Homeguard Bawah, hand down, Homeguard Pusing-pusing, hand forward while rotating in a circle and Homeguard X (X being the name of a teacher), and we're supposed to mimic the teacher.

Tiring day, but the four GMs (me, ZL, YH and FY) had to do some discussion about our games the next day until 2am, my brain had almost stopped working already, super tired by then. Went back and fell asleep instantly while Lun and the guys went out and played with what, I don't know. They slept really late though and then next day when we woke up it was really cold. In contrast with the warmness of the dorm during the night. It was really cold and raining the night before. So that's the first day.

PRS Camp Log 22 April 2012
When I woke up, I was shivering because it was so cold. And when I went to the dining hall for breakfast, my arms were wrapped around my body and my teeth were chattering. Also, because of my overstraining my body during the previous day, all the muscles in my body were aching. The teachers thought I got sick already, and asked me to quickly go get my hot drink. In the end, I drank 4 cups of steaming hot Milo, and felt much better. Even though my muscles were stiff and I was still shaking a little.

We went rafting after breakfast. Actually, I didn't want to join them rafting because me arms weren't even responding properly to me. But teacher asked me to go and watch them. We had to tie our own rafts, which took ages, and then we had a race with rival groups. At first, my arms were too stiff so I just stood there and watched. Yee Tang got really pissed that I wasn't helping them tie, I guess. It's not my fault that my arms are in pain right? (Okay, I guess that was a lousy excuse actually) In the end, I helped them because standing there made me feel like I was missing out on something, and I wanted to enjoy the camp to the max. Pn Nayagi was like "I thought your arms were painful?" And I replied her, "They are, but I didn't want to miss on out anything." So, we did and our group's raft was the most hardy among all. Our rival group's raft, sort of dismantled itself halfway through the race.

That was the only activity we had that day, other than the closing ceremony. So after rafting the guys and some girls and Ms Shirlena went up to the "Kolam" to swim, while I went to take a shower. Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about the bathroom, there were 6 showerheads (okay, just pipes) that were in the open, as in without walls and you could see each other, but obviously the people that showered there kept their underwear on, to avoid embarrassment? Haha! I didn't want to go and play with the rest of them for two reasons. One, I didn't want to fight over them for the private shower rooms. Two, I had to treat my cuts because they were hurting and a few were bleeding again, from the previous day's trekking. Oh, by the way, the shower water was freezing cold. Fresh mountain water. Every time I showered, I was shivering when I came out.

So, our group didn't win best group in the end. But we didn't intend on it, camp wasn't about being a competition. It's mostly about learning new stuff, skills and just having fun! The ride down the mountain (standing) was, let's say, bumpy and shaky. My ass hurts because it kept hitting onto the railing, but the ride down was exciting too. And then when we got down. Glorious mobile signal and internet. Went back to school and stayed in the beautiful air-conditioned UBK room. GLORIOUS AIR-CONDITIONING.

Overall
The camp venue (Dusun Eco Resort, Pahang) was considerably okay, but last year I heard, the dorms had air conditioning. Damn! And they expect a room of 14 people to use only one electric point. Nice, thankfully I had both my mobiles with me so I didn't have to charge my phones.

The mobile signal there was really weak, and only some spots you could get it. Strange, it's like 2 metres away from a spot that does, there isn't any line. So I had to go all LionKing-mode on my phone to get my beloved internet service (RY taught me how to get cheap mobile internet, thank you Maxis!)

Icy-cold water for showers was exciting and refreshing after a hot day's activities. Sadly, I didn't get any tanner. What? I don't want to look pale, like a freaking computer freak that stays indoors all the time. I don't get why the people I know want fair skin, especially guys. Geez.

I found myself being more outspoken and confident and daring after the camp. Beneficial indeed, especially the modules, they were really good and enlightening. Totally going for next year's camp. Yan Hui too, she'll be driving me. Taking the bus with the rest of them seems kind of awkward and taxing and we can't stop whenever we like to get a bite/toilet break. Oh well, looking forward to next year's camp!

And in these three days, the activities got my mind off things. I was having genuine happiness throughout the three days. Something which I haven't tasted for over half a year, not since the Pangkor Class Trip last September. I completely forgot all of my troubles, all of my worries, all of my problems there. It was nice, really nice.

PRS Camp 2012: Day 2

PRS Camp Log 21 April 2012

 (8.30am-1.00pm)

Jungle trekking is actually a really nice activity. Although it was really strenuous and tough, it was still a really refreshing and awesome trip up and down the mountainous jungle. The night before we went into the lush green foliage, it rained quite heavily, which resulted in really slippery paths. I saw ground leeches here and there and heard the screams of people when they saw them. Geez people, it's just a leech, you put salt on it and it falls off. They looked like tiny earthworms that feasted on blood. Vampiric earthworms. And many bizarre flora, didn't get to see any animals though. There was this one tree that was really scary. It looked like a normal palm-bamboo plant, but up close you could see that it's entire surface was covered in sharp needle-like thorns, even the leaves. Ouch! And I learnt the hard way that they had poison in it, leaving itchy rashes that lingered on for a week. And there were some really slippery and steep paths we had to take, descending the slope wasn't the least bit easy, it took a lot of strength to hold my sheer weight in place to prevent myself from tumbling down the muddy hillside. And then we reached a waterfall, the water was really cool and refreshing and allowed us some time to wash our dirty shoes and asses from slipping every now and then. And when you slid down a slope slowly, it feels like sledding down a snowing mountain, without a sled, and on mud instead. by the end of the trek, I was already dying of thirst and exhaustion but that was only half of the day, and the following activities that day kept me awake and energized.

There was this one bitch throughout the trek though, okay she's not a bitch. She's beyond bitchdom, she's a fucking toilet bowl because she's so full of shit. Throughout the trek, she kept complaining. Examples below, " " means actual speech and ' ' means my inner thoughts.

1.  "Eww, I don't want to climb anymore, can I go backwards?" Me: 'Bitch, you're already halfway through and you wanna go back?'
2. (Toilet Bowl (TB) slips and falls once) "Why am I the only one falling?" Me: 'GOD DAMMIT WOMAN, EVERYBODY IS SLIPPING, DO YOU HAVE EYES?'
3. TB stops and cries every time we meet an obstacle, like climbing over a log or crossing a ravine, me rolling my eyes every time.
4. "Why is it so hot? And dirty? And smelly?" Me: "THIS. IS. THE. JUNGLE! Not your prissy little home." "..."
5. TB keeps talking about how great her brother is and will save her. Me: 'I hope a tiger eats you and leaves.'
6. (TB gets thirsty, teacher walking in front) "Cikgu, bolehkah bagi saya sikit air?" (Teachers gives her water, she drinks and lets her friend hold it) Me: Can I have some water? (Friend passes to me) TB softly: "Why did you give him the water?" Me, exasperated: 'SO NOW ALL THE WATER IN THE WORLD IS YOURS?'
7. (A bunch of Malay kids from another school run down the hill while we're trailing behind the TB, because her royal highness had apparently hurt her leg) "Pigs!" Friend: "Don't simply say things like that" "And why not? It's like they'll hit me or something?" Me in an outrage: "IF THEY DON'T HIT YOU, I WILL. SO KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT AND WALK!" 

And after that last bit she kept silent the rest of the walk down. And you know what? Her "injured leg" allows her to walk perfectly on normal ground. BITCH!

But all in all, the trip was really good, albeit tiring. I got to experience the jungle in it's natural form. And the bitchiness of a royal pain in the ass. I got lots of cuts and scratches all over, not to mention the sting of the poisonous rash-inducing thorns of the devil tree.

And, I had a near-death experience too. When we were walking down the slope, almost at the end. I fell into what seemed to be a bottomless pit. Thank God there was a tiny ledge at the mouth of the hole and I fell and sat nicely on that ledge, with a small tree in reach, the wall of the hole was slippery so I couldn't thrust myself out of the hole, teacher had to pull be out. Damn, I had a serious heart attack when that happened. I thank God for saving me, seriously. I would have died already if it wasn't for Him. A few of my friends saw me fall too, and they too got heart attacks, along with En Bakri. Shit. I will never forget that incident.

(2.00pm-5.30pm)

We all had our lunch, simple lunch of Assam-Kicap fish, and some other oddities, like a weird bandung jelly dessert cake thing that looked like a pile of fish eggs. The rest of them went for a games session by Taylor's University, while me, YH, FY and ZL went to prepare our station games and stuff. We've been planning and arranging and preparing for almost two weeks, and we kept changing plans on our games like every 15 minutes until the actual time for the games to begin. 

FY came up with the great idea to freeze the clues and make them melt it to get the first clue. We were kept hidden, okay actually not that hidden since we couldn't go far and couldn't use too rocky/bumpy/steep grounds. In the end, the stations were just really obvious, especially mine and FY. Mine was way on the top of the stretch of road and obviously people would know to go there. That's what the clues were for anyway, and I could make them run up and down the extremely steep and long way up to my place. Evil indeed, nevertheless it was great. And I felt in control since I could make them do what they were told. Haha, manipulative indeed. 

The station games were good, not to the extent of being as perfect as we concocted, but hey, you can't expect so much when we changed our plans like until the very last minute, and considering the lack of materials and henceforth. Still, I felt like the effort done to ensure success was a very, let's say, inspiring experience. Letting me learn and enhance my problem solving skills. Moving on, by then I was already super tired from the day. But the day isn't over yet. There's still the entire night until like 1am. After a sumptuous BBQ dinner, which was way better than any of the food they had there, we went back into the hall for Part 3 of our PRS module, courtesy of the teachers. I'll cover the modules in another post. 

After the module we had our "Talent Time", in which we were instructed to present a short sketch based on a designated Malay proverb. Our group's carried the meaning of “先苦后甜” (I forgot the actual proverb), and our group did the mountain-climbing/jungle-trekking experience. I was already aching all over but I love acting so I did my best. In a very exaggerated and dramatic fashion. Words cannot describe how I did it, but I made almost everyone there laugh. Even the teachers found it very amusing. I had to control myself and stop myself from laughing so I put extra drama into it. Our group didn't win the best drama, but it certainly was the funniest according to many. I got so many "Love Letters" (A system the teachers came up with to lets us write stuff to each other) saying that I'm a good actor, confident and daring, even from the teachers. I guess watching all the dramas on TV pays off after all. And after our sketch, Ms Shirlena even asked me if I had ever considered a career in Performing Arts, and I was like "Whaa-?" Yeah, that's about it for the second day in camp. They cancelled our Treasure Hunt, because of time constraints, I was too tired to man the Treasure Hunt anyway, they played a game of Guess The Person Behind The Cloth, it got us to recognize faces among the camp-goers.

I went back to the dorm room and wrote a few love letters before returning to slumber-land. Throughout this day, I learnt a few things, like to be tolerating of some annoying people, they can't help but being bitches some times. (Prime example, Madame Toilet Bowl). I learnt how to scale the slippery mountainsides. I learnt how to control the atmosphere. I learnt that people have different opinions but it's the togetherness that makes stuff work, through our GM sessions every time. I learnt how it felt to have a mini heart attack, twice actually (I almost fell of the platform outside the hall because I was so oblivious to the edge and the teachers got a heart attack themselves too, haha). I learnt that being a organizer isn't the least bit easy, although we all know this I guess. And lastly, I learnt that I have more confidence, courage and acting skills than I thought I did. 

Next post covers the first and third days. >>